12 Action Packed Xmas Injuries
Treating people who are in pain all year can be a serious business but at this time of year we like to let our hair down and have a look at the funny side of how injuries can happen. Here’s hoping none of you a struck down by any of the following.
1. Getting Fall Down Drunk
Latin Name: Greater Trochanter Contusion Injury
Picture the classic seen from Only Fools And Horses. You’re trying to look suave and debonair after a few drinkies. You look to take the weight off your legs and what you thought was there wasn’t. Toppling onto your hip bone. Ouch!
Required Action: Get up hope no one saw. It’s definitely time for the homing beacon to kick in. Get your beer coat on a get going. You may need an ice pack for you hip and your head in the morning!
2. Drinkers Elbow
Latin Name: Medial Epicondylitis
It’s been a long year, you’ve gripping those drinks for dear life and repeating the glass to mouth movement too many times. You’ve got RSI.
Required Action: Use a straw instead!
3. Eating So Much Your Jaw Gets Stuck
Latin Name: Tempero-Mandible Joint Dysfunction
You’re scoffed the lot. That jaw has been working overtime. Not only have you been gassing on after loosening up after a few mulled wines you’ve been chomping through nuts, cake, turkey, Christmas pud. The muscles are so tight your jaw seizes!
Required Action: Emergency massage to the temples and muscles in the cheeks. Freshen them up with some massage and then you’ll be able to go again!
4. Dancing Like There’s No-One Watching
Latin Name: Busting A Grooveitis
You’ve been drinking hard all day. You’re dancing and nobody else is. You’re trying to make moves like it was last century and twang, something gives way.
Required Action: Sit down and have another drink, alcohol is a muscle relaxant you know!
5. Photocopying Your Backside At The Office Party
Latin Name: Career Limiting Syndrome
You know you shouldn’t but the little alcohol gremlins have taken control of your brain, there’s nothing you can do, it just had to be done.
Required Action: Rush back into work the following day and destroy all evidence, or draft up your resignation letter if you haven’t been fired already!
6. Not Quite As Good At Limbo As You Remember Syndrome
Latin Name: Zygoapophaseal Joint Inflammation
It’s the first round, you’ve warmed up with a mulled wine and some Christmas pud. You picture back to the last time you limbo’d aged 10 and go for the same moves. Pop goes your back!
Required Action: Don’t worry it will get better. Use the nearest cold beverage to apply ice to the area.
7. Too Many Cards To Write and Presents To Wrap
Latin Name: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome
You’re been burning the midnight oil for days. You finally finished the last of the cards in time for the delivery deadline and then you have to start wrapping all those plastic toys. After a long year it’s got over use condition written all over it!
Required Action: Be more organised next year!
8. Eating So Much Your Tummy Splits In Two!
Latin Name: Linea Alba Separation
Hopefully it doesn’t go this far! Usually a condition reserved for heavily pregnant ladies… you have been warned.
Required Action: Maybe just a wafer thin slice of Christmas pudding to avoid exploding!
9. Falling Asleep Half Cut In An Peculiar Position
Latin Name: Numb-Bum-Itis
You’ve been having the odd drinkie through the day. The in-laws are still prattling on. There’s something not very good on TV and you’ve just had a drop of port to finish you off. Catching flies and softly snoring in the corner you are rudely awoken when your realise you can no longer feel one of your bumb cheeks!
Required Action: Dance the funky chicken! Get the blood pumping again. Get yourself off to bed and hope it’s all ok in the morning.
10. Overzealous Family Game Of Twister
Latin Name: Competitive Family Bashing Carnage
The only game in existence where it’s socially acceptable to kick your granny in the head! It starts off as a friendly, fun, family game and there’s always one family member who takes it just a little too seriously.
Required Action: Get out early. Accidentally wipe out the entire family then you have a good sit down with a nice cup of tea!
11. Star Atop The Christmas Tree Contortion
Latin Name: Glenohumeral Sub-Luxation
Picture the scene. The whole family has tried to fix the star to the top of the tree. In walks the man of the household. Chest puffed out, climbs on a chair, reaching with all of his height to the very top of the try then collapses in agony sobbing on the floor. What greater display of masculinity!
Required Action: Don’t worry the shoulder will pop back in at some point. Best have a glass of wine and sit down to recover from the shock.
12. Shopping Till You Drop
Latin Name: Lateral Epicondylitis
It’s New Year. You’ve avoided any accidents to date. You’re loaded up with shopping in the sales and your elbow is screaming. How are you going to get home never mind continue with the shopping?
Required Action: Phone a taxi for your shopping so far, send it back home, continue shopping!
Hope you enjoyed that nonsensical look at injuries and how they happen. Myself and my clients have been working on hard on those for a couple of weeks! If any of you manage to achieve any of the above it will certainly be an interesting New Year for us at the clinic. Merry Christmas all!
This article first appeared on our Brighton site.